Melanie Bell

Author, Writer, Editor

Category Archives: Enneagram


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New Year, New Attempts at Hard Things

Image: MSGT Jon Nicolussi, U.S. Air Force, 2003.

Goal setting is a topic that’s attracted a long-time blend of fascination and skepticism from me. I often set and try to achieve goals. Sometimes they go well. Other times, the results… well, they make good stories!

Anecdotally, I’ve seen that achieving things is usually a process, and successes tend to have invisible trails of “failures” behind them. I’ve had feedback that others have liked my blogs about the process of trying new things and the stumbling blocks I’ve encountered along the way. So, here are a couple of things I’ve been trying and stumbling over this year.

Personal Training

In November, I began working with a personal trainer. I’ve maintained an exercise habit for years, as it clearly helps with my physical and mental health, but this is the first time I’ve sought personalized guidance. I wanted to have an exercise plan that I could do at home, which would help me build skill and strength from where I was. I felt like I’d only gotten so far with the “DIY” approach. And, as a former chosen-last-in-gym kid, I lacked physical confidence.   

My trainer, Kat Saunders, created a feeling of psychological safety. She was encouraging and nonjudgmental. Also, our initial assessment showed I had reasonable strength in most areas, contrary to my low expectations, though I had some things to work on. That was a relief, affirming that my years of imperfect yet regular exercise had a tangible effect.

I had a shaky, anxious start. I committed longer than the single month I’d intended, then freaked out at one point, thinking I wasn’t seeing the changes I’d hoped for, and it was all useless. But I needed to give things a little more time and to have an external assessor (Kat, in this case) show me changes I couldn’t see myself.

After two months, my trainer assessed me again. My body is more balanced, and my posture has visibly improved. I saw an 18% increase in the weight I could lift. These changes in physicality have improved my confidence, and I’ve found more ease when attempting new physical activities. I’ve committed to a group of monthly training sessions following my two months of weekly ones. I look forward to seeing how they go.

Treats for Trying

Effort and results don’t always match. I’m sure most of us have experiences of trying hard and getting nowhere, and other times when, for example, we quickly paint a blob on canvas and hear, “That’s such a good painting!”

I’ve set myself writing goals and a schedule this year. It requires effort and patience. It’s not always fun, and there’s no guarantee of “success” in terms of external markers. But, of course, there’s no chance of these “successes” happening without putting in that time and effort.

I find it hard to feel proud of myself for trying: “What if all I’m doing is wasting time?” So, I’m recognizing my efforts with rewards.

It started as a joke. Duolingo was spamming me with emails about learning a new language in the new year. I’ve been practicing Spanish in other ways since taking a course last year, but I told myself, “I’ve been working hard on my writing goals. I can have a little Duolingo, as a treat!”

Why does language learning feel like a “treat”? Because it’s easy! (Well, languages may not be, but the gamified Duolingo format is.) Because it’s a regular way to recognize my regular efforts at the harder things. And because it’s not tied to a specific goal or outcome. It’s nice to hear exaggerated praise from that little green owl, and if it stops feeling rewarding, I’ll do something else. 

I’ve thought long and hard about what feels like a reward to me. I can say something is a reward, but it doesn’t work unless it feels like one. Ease and frivolity make things feel rewarding. If I need it (like food, clothes, rest, or socialization, no matter how fancy their forms), it doesn’t feel like a treat.

I’ve started a list of things that do feel treat-like. I’m “treating myself” regularly to recognize my regular efforts. I bought a cookbook after finishing a project. Did I need it? No. But I allowed myself to get that thing I wanted.

I’m rewarding my impatient self for cultivating patience. And I’m rewarding myself with things that aren’t tied to goals, so they feel transgressively luxurious, but positive. So far, it’s been a motivating strategy, so I plan to continue with it, keeping an adaptive mindset and seeing how it goes.


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Book Review: The Gold Persimmon by Lindsay Merbaum

The Gold Persimmon by Lindsay Merbaum

Looking for some queer, feminist horror? The Gold Persimmon is a new novel full of lush, surreal hotels, precise language, and chilling threats that haunt the characters gradually.  

Two stories cross paths in this book. The first, a third-person framing narrative that starts and ends the book, focuses on a young woman named Clytemnestra who holds a dead-end job at a luxury hotel called The Gold Persimmon. It’s a rule-bound environment that ensures privacy and discretion. Clients go there to grieve, and one has recently committed a dramatic suicide. While the troubled parents she lives with disapprove of her job, Cly views the hotel as a refuge, “a precisely ordered world of musts and musn’ts.” 

This order is threatened when Cly begins an affair with an older client named Edith. Revelations pile up to reveal that there’s more to Edith’s story than what’s apparent on the surface. 

Once things between Cly and Edith come to a head, the first story gives way to the second, featuring a nonbinary first-person narrator named Jaime. Their life circumstances aren’t too different from Cly’s: they’re a young, aspiring writer interviewing for a job at a sex hotel when a dangerous fog envelops the city.

With the outside world under threat, Jaime is trapped inside the hotel with six other people, not all of whom are trustworthy. Gender, sexuality, and power intertwine as the characters form alliances, keep secrets and weave in and out of rooms, trying to survive. Fans of closed-environment horror will appreciate the setting, with its claustrophobia and absurdity (characters hide out in dryers and stumble into dildo-themed hotel rooms), and the tense narrative pace.    

The twin narratives are equally surreal, meeting reality at a dark remove that’s just a little off-kilter. The book’s blurb states that they are set in parallel realities, but the narrative does not clearly define how they intersect. Throughout both, dreams intrude on waking life. Physical attacks occur and it isn’t initially clear what or who is attacking. At one point, Jaime brainstorms a story idea which resembles the setting of Cly’s story, and Cly’s own narrative culminates in a haunting twist. 

Merbaum’s language is masterful. Not a word seems out of place. The haunting and beautiful descriptions resonate well after the book ends. Pick up The Gold Persimmon if you’re in the mood for something uncanny and thoughtful.    


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Working Away, or My Experience with Workaway

The COVID-19 pandemic has led many people to make decisions and try things that they wouldn’t have otherwise. With this summer’s travel restrictions, it led me to Workaway, a website that facilitates cultural exchanges where “workawayers” stay with hosts, trading labor for room and board. 

I spent two weeks on a workaway this summer on an estate in rural Wales. The hosts were a couple with a young child, along with the mother/grandmother who owned the estate. It was a working bed and breakfast that had a large garden and some livestock (pigs and various types of birds). It couldn’t have been a bigger change from the hustle and bustle of London! 

I grew up in the country, and being back in a rural setting felt certain ways like coming home. I knew the berries. I knew how to weed the garden. I also enjoyed the differences. I certainly didn’t grow up with beautiful stone houses and peacocks!    

Doing a Workaway is a fascinating way to get to know a new place because you’re integrated socially. You have a role, a job (while most stays are volunteer, some Workaways operate as businesses and pay for income-earning tasks), and a host family. I liked getting to know the people I stayed with while I got to know more about Wales. The family hosted relatives for much of my stay, and they often had friends over for large shared dinners, so there was always a rotating cast of people to talk to. They were all very welcoming, and with self-isolation such a recent memory, it was great to have a built-in social circle around. 

Workaway is intended as a cultural exchange. Many Workawayers take the opportunity to travel and experience daily life in different countries or regions. There were certainly differences between my life on the workaway and my daily life at home, as well as differences in social norms and attitudes. 

My advice for others interested in trying a workaway is to be open to these differences, to be open socially (even if you’re an awkward introvert like me), and to learn from others. Also, expect the unexpected! No matter how well you pack or how carefully you research the area you’re traveling to, you will likely encounter difficulties and joys during your stay that you haven’t prepared for. Be prepared to work hard, pitch in, and help out. Get ready, too, to have fun.

If you’re thinking of trying Workaway or something similar, go for it! It’s a good way to get out of your comfort zone, experience a different way of life, live in a different place for a time, and forge new connections. 


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Book Review: The Four Tendencies

My January blog posts attest to my fascination with New Year’s resolutions, the goals and intentions that some of us set each year in the hope of making the coming year (or ourselves) better. After the coronavirus pandemic dashed many of our plans for 2020, I wonder how many of us will make resolutions this year. Maybe some of us will focus on taking care of ourselves and each other during this difficult time, or on just being ourselves. But for those who share my perverse fascination with goal setting and change, I found a book this year that offered me some valuable perspective.   

I first encountered Gretchen Rubin’s Four Tendencies framework years ago, took her quiz online, and promptly forgot about it. Then, during England’s second lockdown this year, a mention of the book prompted me to look it up again. I was struggling with some changes I wanted to make in my new, working-from-home life, but I wasn’t making them. I didn’t know how. I asked myself, not for the first time, “Why can’t I change? Why can’t I get myself to do the things I know I should do? Why do I let myself down?”

Enter Gretchen Rubin, who has written books on happiness and habit formation, and maintains a popular happiness-focused podcast. She created the Four Tendencies framework after observing differences in how people respond to expectations. One of her friends was able to run with a track team but not by herself, for example.

The Four Tendencies book posits two different types of expectations: inner expectations, or the goals and standards we have for ourselves, and outer expectations, or the things that other people and external systems expect us to do. Rubin found that people respond to these different expectations in four different, and predictable, ways. 

The people she calls Upholders meet both inner and outer expectations. Questioners meet inner expectations and question outer expectations, choosing to do what others expect only when it makes sense to them. Obligers (like her friend who wanted to go running) meet outer expectations but not inner expectations, while Rebels resist both sets of expectations. There’s a lot more detail about how these four categories work in the book, as well as on Rubin’s website.

Rubin’s book offers thorough chapters about what each tendency means and how it works, along with chapters on dealing with each tendency. Like books on the Enneagram, the personality system I’ve been using for over a decade, it can be read as a self-help book, and/or used to understand how to work with other people. Medical personnel, for instance, have used her work to motivate people with different tendencies to follow their recommendations. 

Helpfully, the book begins with a quiz for identifying your tendency. From there, if you’re an Upholder, you’ll discover ways to manage “tightening up” and learn how following rules can paradoxically bring freedom. If you’re a Questioner, you’ll find tips for overcoming analysis paralysis and finding reasons for doing those irrational things you need to do. If you’re an Obliger, you’ll learn about how outer accountability is key for you – and how to build it into different areas of your life to do the things that you want to do, rather than burning yourself out by doing what others want. And if you’re a Rebel, like me, you’ll learn about motivating yourself by following personal desires and identity, and how to cultivate a sense of freedom in meeting goals rather than obligation.

I love how the Four Tendencies is a practical and focused framework for change. The book offers strategies that work with our “autopilot settings,” and thus it might be called ego supportive. Yes, we can all be more mindful and present, but the book’s suggestions don’t require that. It meets us where we are and gives us how-to’s for accomplishing what we want to accomplish.   

As useful as the Enneagram has been for me, it’s a descriptor, not a toolkit. It suggests that as someone whose personality follows the Type Four “Individualist” pattern, I benefit from bringing discipline and structure into my life, but it doesn’t give any nuts and bolts about how to create structure, or how to get myself to follow it. The Four Tendencies actually gave me some of those nuts and bolts. 

When it comes to change management, different people have different needs. I’ve spent a lot of time hoping to find a perfect source of accountability to get me to act differently, so it’s a relief to learn that accountability isn’t an effective strategy for me – it just feels like pressure, which I then resist. I’m equally recalcitrant with myself, declaring that I’m going to do something while an internal voice intones “Yeah, yeah, I’m not gonna.” Since reading this book, I’ve focused on taking power back into my own hands. Rubin writes, “Rebels can do anything they want to do.” The key for me is to focus on wanting rather than having to. When a sense of determination drives me, I know that I’m going to get that thing done. When I hear “Oh, yeah, yeah, sure,” I either let myself off the hook or dig deeper until I find that sense of determination.  

2020 brought a lot of events we had no control over, and 2021 is looking to unfold in much the same vein. If you’re looking for a book about making changes that are within your control, The Four Tendencies is a good one.


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Taking Care of Ourselves and Each Other

Epping Forest is one of the areas I explored for once-a-day exercise during lockdown.

The coronavirus pandemic has affected all of us, though not equally. Those communities that are most marginalized have been hardest hit. Different parts of the world are facing different trajectories of recovery and reinfection. Here in the UK, some restrictions remain (there’s no skating at the skating rink) while others have been lifted (some travel is permitted, and shops are filled with masked shoppers).

I have been fortunate in keeping my day job and place to live. My days look different, though, and I doubt they’ll ever revert to what they were. My office is closed for the rest of 2020, if not beyond. My company just did an ergonomic assessment of my home workspace and boxes of equipment arrived for me today in the mail, granting a sense of permanence to the whole thing. I’ve learned new ways of working, exercising, cleaning, and being with people in the world. If the pandemic recedes, a vaccine is found, or the infection gets otherwise under control, there are parts of daily life that I’d be very happy to have back. There are aspects of this new way of being, though, that I’d like to keep.

I appreciate how COVID-19 has brought out altruism in many communities and people. Groups have banded together to make masks, shop for the vulnerable, offer entertainment, and support each other in many ways. I hope this civic-mindedness and mutual care continues in some form. It is always needed.

I appreciate the renewed awareness that we affect each other. How often have I thought that my actions didn’t make a difference? The presence of an infectious pandemic shows that the small things we do matter. If they can have profound negative impacts, their positive impacts can be profound as well. We are responsible for each other’s health and well-being in tangible ways.

There is a deepened recognition of the importance of hygiene and personal space. May our post-COVID-19 world be a cleaner one. As an introvert, if people emerge from this with greater respect for each other’s personal space bubbles, I’d appreciate that too.

Many of us have become more conscious of our health. As far as I know, I have not contracted the coronavirus, but the stress of the pandemic contributed to other forms of illness at a couple points. I’ve come to recognize the importance of resting, taking the mental burden off, and caring for my body in a way I didn’t before. We are all vulnerable.

I’m also appreciating some of the resourceful solutions to lockdown problems. No gym access? Run in the park. It’s nice to connect with the outdoors, and I’ve gotten faster. I’ve also gotten to know new areas near me, full of beautiful flora and fauna. Limited time and ingredients at the stores? Become a better pantry planner, and try new recipes to use up ingredients. As rough as the problem is and has been, I hope that many of us come out of this with improved problem-solving abilities.

What have you done during the pandemic to take care of yourself and others? What new ways of doing things (if any) would you like to continue?  


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2019 in Review

It’s nice, at the end of the year, to look back on the last 12 months and celebrate accomplishments big and small. Time passes so quickly that it’s easy to wonder where the year went. Taking time to reflect on the last year helps to remember and appreciate that the time went to good use. Here are my highlights from 2019. What are yours?  

2019 publications round-up 

This was a big poetry year for me.

Hashtag Queer: LGBTQ+ Creative Anthology, Volume 3 published my sequence of “Tacit poems”. Qommunicate Publishing has been a great supporter of my work, including the more experimental pieces. 

Haiku Journal published my rain haiku in issue 63. (You can read individual issues of the journal online here, and there is a lovely print version as well.)

Lift Every Voice is a lovely new anthology that published my poem “You, the shadow you cast”.

My personal essay “Learning to Paint” was also published by Heart and Humanity in February.

I have three more publications forthcoming as well. Among them, Qommunicate’s Geek Out! II anthology will be publishing my poem/script hybrid geeking out about performance and semiotics, and House of Zolo’s first journal of speculative literature will include one of my poems when it’s released in January.

New job

I had a wonderful time working at RUSI, but moved on at the end of the year to the role of Development Editor at ICE Publishing. I’m excited to be working on books and taking a bigger-picture position.  

Enneagram corporate training

Last spring, I was invited to my old city, Edinburgh, to do an Enneagram-based corporate training for Turnitin. This company makes a program I used in my old university teaching job! The leadership team purchased copies of my book, The Modern Enneagram, for all the attendees. They were a delightful, engaged group, and it was fun to spend time in Edinburgh again (despite the rainy weather). It was my first time leading a corporate training where I traveled out of town.

Work-life balance

With a new job and new financial opportunities, I’ve been able to say no to work that hasn’t been a good fit. I’ve moved into a new flat that’s nicer than my previous one. I’ve taken some time to travel and am appreciating the value that’s placed on holidays in the UK. I’m grateful to see improvements in work-life balance after a 2018 that involved a lot of “hustling”.

What was your 2019 like? What big and small things do you appreciate about the past year?


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Celebrating My Wins of 2018

Some of my publications in 2018

It’s hard to believe that 2018 is almost over. Hopefully the year has had bright spots for you as it has for me. Following the publication of The Modern Enneagram in 2017, this has been a fruitful year of career building in writing and editing. I’m celebrating these wins as we honor the year that’s coming to a close and move towards the next.

Freelance editing

When I moved to Edinburgh from San Francisco in May 2017, I left my long-held part-time job as a writing tutor/instructor at an art college and moved into full-time self-employment. Initially, I offered writing coaching and set up an Enneagram workshop as well as seeking out editing projects. Beginning in 2018, my money-making direction clarified itself. While continuing to copy edit nonfiction, I had opportunities for developmental editing on fiction projects and began working with a new publisher on manuscript evaluations. It’s been richly rewarding to dive into story structure, hone my constructively critical eye, and give input in a way that’s appreciated.     

Anthology (and other) publications

While in Edinburgh, I participated in two lovely local writers’ groups and continued submitting my work. In addition to having articles and short pieces published, my work was accepted for four anthologies! It’s been exciting to have them arrive in the mail throughout the year and to discover gems from writers I wasn’t previously familiar with.

Here’s a round-up of my publications this year:

–Hashtag Queer, Vol. 2 Anthology: Mira (short story)

–Queer Around the World Anthology: Four Walks in Montreal (creative nonfiction)

–Spoon Knife 3: Incursions Anthology: The New World (science fiction short story)

-Shut Up and Write Anthology: How a Volunteer Grandma Helped Me Find My Voice (personal essay)

-Page and Spine: Quicksilver (short story)

-Write Naked: What One Freelancer Did With a Month Off (guest post)

-School of Shine: Setting Intentions for the New Year; What I Left Behind; Land, Love, and My People (personal essays)

-ELearning Industry: 6 eLearning Trends to Watch for in 2018 (research article)

 

A few of my pieces were also chosen to be reprinted:

–The Quilliad: Beast (poem)

-IEA Nine Points: Thoughts on the 2018 IEA Conference and Community (originally a blog post)

-Go Conscious: How Each Enneagram Type Can Build Healthy Habits (originally a blog post coauthored with Kacie Berghoef)

 

Enneagram conference presentations

While words are the most natural source of steady work for me, I love the depth and impact of the Enneagram. In 2018 I traveled to Amsterdam to give the mini-workshop, “Writing Your Enneagram Journey,” that participants enjoyed at summer 2017’s IEA Global Conference. I was also approached by my friend Chloe Keric-Eli, a Montreal Enneagram teacher, to submit a joint proposal for 2018’s IEA. As immigrants between multiple countries and cultures, our shared experiences led to the idea of presenting on “Where Culture Meets Type.” Participants at both conferences dove fully into the exercises, bringing insights about their personal and cultural stories that were illuminating for many in the room.      

A day job (and a move!)

Freelancing as an editor as my primary occupation provided wonderful opportunities to gain new skills, but it also highlighted additional things I wanted to learn. I realized that the most effective way to learn many of these would be to find an in-house role. Further, I hadn’t moved all the way to the UK to sit in my flat during working hours rather than engaging fully with the culture. Working with my primarily North American client base just wasn’t quite the same. I applied to day jobs in the editing field and was offered one in London working for RUSI, London’s venerable defence and security think tank. I moved in July, leaving a beautiful work-from-home space and gaining colleagues, increased confidence in my work, and skills ranging from project management methods to document design. When I’m not at my day job, I continue to work as a freelance editor on select projects. I’ve gotten quicker with my work, and more assured in making editorial choices. I’m committed and growing. I look forward to seeing where this career path takes me.

A novel draft completed

I have manuscripts sitting in my Dropbox folders that never made it to the book deal stage, and know from experience that finishing the first draft of a novel is a different beast from finalizing it and from hitting a chord that resonates with the reading public. I am, however, proud of the draft I completed this year. It’s a fantasy adventure story – the kind of thing I read for fun; the kind of thing I wrote as a youngster and teenager, and even then neglected to submit anywhere in favor of more “serious” stuff. I’ve been learning in the last few years that being fascinating does not make a thing less real. I put a lot of feelings about immigration and identity into this novel about magic. I got to invent a world with cities in caves and clouds, and I loved spending time there. I got to write “the end.”  

What are your wins this year?


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Thoughts on the 2018 IEA Conference and Community

In July I attended and presented at the International Enneagram Association Global Conference in Cincinnati. I’ve been coming to the IEA conferences on and off for the past ten years, and have noticed a marked change in the last few. The early Enneagram conferences I attended focused heavily on individual growth, experiential practices (such as shamanic journeying and breathwork), and theory. Recently, there has been an increased emphasis on interrelationship and community building, with panels, discussions, and highly interactive talks. The theme for this year’s conference articulated this sentiment explicitly: Building Bridges: Collaborating in Community.  

The keynote address, by local author and consultant Peter Block, stands out as one of my favorite parts of the conference. His talk, “Community: The Structure of Belonging,” reached beyond the spiritual “icebreakers” I’ve experienced at many IEA sessions to facilitate small-group discussions that drew out people’s feelings around participation and reached beyond social niceties to a point of truth. He discussed ways to physically and socially restructure a room so that people are engaged with each other rather than in unquestioned power dynamics, and drew attention to the dangers of like-mindedness: how will we learn and grow if everyone in the room is thinking the same sorts of things?    

My friend Chloé Keric-Eli and I made our own strides toward collaboration beyond our comfort zones. We are each certified with one of the two leading Enneagram schools, The Enneagram Institute in my case and The Narrative Tradition in Chloé’s, and she noted to me last year that these two schools seldom have crossover. Chloé teaches in French while I teach in English, although we each speak both languages. We are both under 40, making us “young” teachers in the Enneagram field, which skews older than most professional realms. (I was pleased to see that the number of younger conference participants is growing; when I first began coming to these conferences, I was one of about four people under 30, and was actually told by one participant that the field was “dying out” because “we’re all fossils”!)

Another factor we had in common was growing up and living in different countries, leading to our presentation topic of “Where Culture Meets Type.” I learned a great deal from working with Chloé, a committed, enthusiastic facilitator whose style differs dramatically from my own. As an Enneagram Type Seven, she generates wide-ranging ideas; in contrast, I could witness and appreciate the critical, structured aspects of my own mind. We both gained valuable insights from our session participants. I was struck by their discussions about how they fit or didn’t fit within the cultures of their countries and families, and how these intersections had affected their lives.   

Another session I found particularly thought-provoking was Jessica Dibb and Deborah Ooten’s “Building Enneagram Communities That Last.” Both facilitators have succeeded at their session’s goal, with Jessica’s Inspiration Community in Baltimore and Deb’s Conscious Living Center in Cincinnati reaching many students and sustaining networks over the years. A cornerstone of this success is the acceptance and non-judgment they modeled from the front of the room. They encouraged facilitators not to “type” anyone for the next 30 days – an invitation toward this non-judgment – and led us in exercises that brought love and support to the forefront and had us reflect on our own challenges and engagement with communities, ending in an action step.

I appreciate that the IEA is thinking about questions of community. The Social Instinct has long been a blind spot in American culture. Contrived events and networking opportunities are created for “socializing” without reshaping the fundamental structures that might address true interpersonal needs, such as creating (or even acknowledging the importance of) social safety nets or genuine support networks. Many of us are isolated, with inner work movements such as the Enneagram often mirroring the individualistic focus we are accustomed to.

The challenge in moving an inner work sphere toward greater community engagement is to ensure it grows beyond the surface, reaching toward inclusivity without leaving other needs behind. In the spirit of Peter Block’s emphasis on asking “uncomfortable questions,” here are a few I am left with  in the wake of the conference. How can future conferences address the needs of all three Enneagram Instincts, providing comfort, stimulation, and interrelatedness in concert? How can the Enneagram reach demographics its teaching structures aren’t traditionally set up to reach, without changing their fundamental wisdom – or is fundamental change called for?

How can the Enneagram community be big enough to hold contradictory views and approaches, and do these contradictions point to a common aim? How can people work constructively with their types within their preexisting relationships, outside of conference or workshop settings? Who gets left out of the Enneagram, and how can this movement ensure that no one needs to be left out – that anyone who wants to participate, no matter how different from other participants, is included and worked with?   

I don’t have the answers. What I do have is a sense that these questions are important ones to grapple with. Perhaps, in searching for their answers, this work will have wider and truer impact.


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Understanding Your Culture’s Impact

Where I come from

This month I start the new adventure of living in London. I’ve been offered an editing job and am looking forward to this next phase of immersion in the culture of the UK. Depending on whether you count England and Scotland as one country or two, this is either my third or fourth country of residence. Even though the countries I’ve lived in have largely spoken the same language, English, the cultural differences have brought new learnings every time.

On July 20, I’ll be presenting with my friend Chloe Keric-Eli on “Where Culture Meets Type” at the IEA Global Conference. We’ve had a lively collaboration, switching between English and French and sharing deep-rooted stories about the impact of our cross-cultural backgrounds on our very different personalities. While similar personality types are found in individuals from country to country, cultures have their own stories that shape acceptable forms of expression for the people who live in them. Moving to another country is jarring for these social reasons just as much as reasons of geography and distance. Suddenly the people around us expect us to follow a script that we’ve never encountered before. The more deeply we become immersed in another culture, the more we are changed, yet the more we come to see the ways our own native cultures have shaped us. Here are some of the insights into the influence of cultural narratives that I’ve discovered, which our presentation will cover in more depth.  

Our culture’s stories tell us who we “should” be.
Growing up in Canada, the narrative of a “good person” revolved around contributing to the community. A “good person” volunteered and helped others. News outlets’ favorite feel-good stories were all about citizens coming together to support each other during tragedies. I learned that support was available, and if I had a goal in mind, I learned that connecting it to the common good in some way was the best way to accomplish it. Upon moving to the US, I encountered a different type of “good person” narrative. Even in the wildly liberal San Francisco, many of the feel-good stories focused on individual accomplishment. “Everyone is in this together” did not pervade life in the same way and individuals were encouraged to go after what they wanted, no matter how big or ambitious. In fact, big and ambitious were often considered “good.” My behavior changed accordingly.  

These same stories tell us who we “shouldn’t” be.
Every value has a shadow side, and for every trait that one culture encourages, sometimes in nurturing and sometimes in unbalanced ways, there is another culture that discourages its expression. Taking as an example the American value of individual achievement, countries like Australia discourage “tall poppies” for standing out too much and acting arrogant. Some of us find our own culture to be a natural fit for our personality, while others discover that the way they tend to express themselves and the way their culture wants them to express themselves differ drastically. Each culture has certain personality types it privileges, while others find themselves at a disadvantage. It can be rough to be a straightforward sort in a diplomatic, indirect culture, or to be an introvert in a milieu that rewards extroversion. If aspects of our temperament conflict with what our culture tells us to be, we may feel there is something wrong with us. 

Our culture frames what’s possible.
In Canada, one airline dominates the vast majority of flights, and they don’t come cheap. The country is sprawling and takes a long time to cross. In the UK, you can fly to multiple countries quickly and inexpensively. Western Europe encompasses a lot of countries packed into a small space, and budget carriers more akin in their service to buses than North American planes “hop” between them. Jobs in the United Kingdom are also mandated to give more time off, during which employees often travel. For these straightforward economic and geographical reasons, it’s common for the Scots and Brits I’ve met to take holidays during their long weekends to destinations such as the beaches of Spain. Just as the culture we live in dictates vacation possibilities, it also influences our language(s), fashion, food, career, and how we see ourselves. Certain ways of living, being, and even dreaming are facilitated by some cultures more than others.

Just like knowing our personality type, understanding our culture is a way of knowing ourselves better. When we learn how many of our default assumptions are culturally defined, we open the door to appreciating and witnessing the unique values and insights of cultures that differ from our own.


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Writing and Publication: A Nonlinear Path

In 2016, I’d given up on getting a publishing deal.

I’d been writing for most of my life. As a teenager, I’d self-published two poetry books (in the day before digital publishing, when self-publishing meant going to Kwik Kopy to get paper books printed) as fundraisers for charity. I went on to study Creative Writing in graduate school and complete a novel as my thesis. I had poetry, short story, and children’s book manuscripts ready to send out, a track record of literary publication, and old projects sitting in my Dropbox. I was bound and determined to have a career.

So the submissions and query letters went out, and the rejections came rolling in. The next five years brought two close calls: after many no’s, one publisher accepted my children’s book, only to have the line of books they’d accepted it for fold. A new small press was interested in my short stories, but the press ended up not getting off the ground. I tried to freelance and occasionally shopped around old pieces, but my heart was no longer in it. I dreamed often about having a great idea for a novel, but my real-life attempts never made it past chapter 1. The energy had drained from my writing attempts, and I worked in abortive fits and starts. Was my lifelong dream of writing books a false hope? Despite my love of stories and the positive feedback I’d received in my early life about my way with words, I wondered, not for the first time, if I’d been cut out for this at all.

Meanwhile, I focused on studying and then teaching the Enneagram personality system. My co-teacher Kacie and I decided to create a little ebook about personality types at work as a freebie connected to our mailing list. I brought out my editing and design skills to shape bits of our previous writing into a coherent whole, and added Decoding Personality in the Workplace to my email signature. I also continued to edit books on a freelance basis, and one day, one of these publishers asked: “We’re looking for an Enneagram book, and I see you’ve written one. Would you be interested in doing one for us?” And in 2017, Kacie and I got to hold The Modern Enneagram, the published book I’d given up on, in our hands.

There’s more than one path to being published, and the journey can be long and hard. Here are some strategies to weather its ups and downs.

1. Be persistent.

Rejection is a fact of publishing. A quick Google search will yield lists of rejection letters, hilarious in hindsight, for best-selling novels, and Stephen King collected enough of the suckers to hang them on his wall. From my experience on the other side of the acquisitions desk, I can attest that a lot of good writing, for reasons related to fit, space, and chance, just doesn’t make the cut. Those same pieces might find a perfect home elsewhere. Keep submitting, and if the editor takes the time to give constructive feedback, read it carefully. Sometimes they just don’t get your story, but at other times they’ve identified flaws that will improve your writing if corrected.

Also, while many publishers and publications simply don’t respond to submissions they choose not to publish, if the venue doesn’t specify this, don’t be afraid to follow up if you haven’t heard back. Last summer, I sent a fantasy story to an online magazine and heard nothing in response. I assumed they just didn’t like my story, then discovered that another submitter had received a prompt reply. My follow-up email led to the publication of “Count Three Stones,” and a piece I’d loved writing finally found a home.

2. Be open to different doorways in.

If one approach isn’t working, consider another. I just heard a great story from a Scottish literary agent about a writer of paranormal police procedurals. Despite the quality of his work, he was repeatedly turned down by traditional publishers because there was “no market” for his books. This agent encouraged him to self-publish, and the popularity of his unconventional mysteries proved the publishers wrong.

If you’re committed to getting your work out there, be open to trying different avenues for publication (including self-publishing), different genres, and new approaches. Experiment and see where it lands you.

3. Take breaks when needed.

If you feel exhausted and disheartened from the submission-rejection cycle, sometimes the best thing to do is to take a break from the whole game. Step away from your favorite manuscript. Let go of the projects you’re invested in if they’ve been driving you crazy. Later, you can return to them with fresh eyes, able to revise when needed, take a new submission approach, or start something new and exciting. Remember that “not now” doesn’t mean “not ever.” Publication is a non-linear process, so be open for its cycles of ebb and flow, and expect the unexpected!