Melanie Bell

Author, Writer, Editor

Tag Archives: tips for students


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Resolving Conflict with the Enneagram

20140927_171057 (1)

Co-written with Kacie Berghoef

Think back to the last time you got into a conflict. Did you see the situation one way while the other person had a completely different way of looking at things? Maybe you wanted to work things out logically but the other person kept telling you to look on the bright side, or asking how you felt about the issue. Maybe it was the other way around.

No matter how much we work on ourselves, sometimes unavoidable challenges, breakdowns in communication, and misunderstandings lead to conflict with others. Conflict isn’t always bad; it empowers parties to increase their understanding of each other and move forward in a way that benefits everyone. In order to keep conflict positive and solution-focused, it’s helpful to learn how others react under stress.

Borrowing from ideas in psychology, Don Riso and Russ Hudson identified three Harmonic Groups, clusters of personality types that react in distinctive ways when facing conflict. Here’s a brief introduction to the Harmonic Groups, with ideas for resolving differences with people of every style.

The Positive Outlook Triad (Enneagram types 2, 7, and 9) wants to look on the rosy side of things. When in conflict, their first instinct is to avoid sweating the small stuff and look at the best possible outcome. At the high side of this style, positive outlook types frame challenges into a broader context and assist others in seeing when conflicts do – and don’t – need to be addressed. The challenge is that sometimes people who use this dominant style avoid actively addressing conflicts when necessary, causing them to grow bigger. Positive Outlook types benefit from having teammates frame conflicts in a positive way, including showing how immediately addressing the problem will help in the big picture.

The Competency Triad (Enneagram types 1, 3, and 5) wants to solve problems using their objectivity. When in conflict, their first instinct is to use logic and analysis to discuss and solve the presenting challenge. At its best, this style keeps the focus of the team on the problem and quickly identifies and implements a great solution to the conflict. The challenge is that sometimes people who use this dominant style get bogged down in details, causing overly long discussions and solutions that miss the big picture. Competency types benefit from having teammates bring in the broader picture and emotional weight any decision carries, by describing it in a solution-oriented manner.

The Emotional Realness Triad (Enneagram types 4, 6, and 8) wants to address the underlying emotional dynamics of problems. Their first instinct in a conflict situation is to express their feelings – both positive and negative – and to learn the feelings of others involved. When used well, all the parties quickly learn where the other stands and proceed to a resolution that takes into account everyone’s desires. The challenge is that sometimes people who use this dominant style can get caught in a never-ending loop of expressing emotions, without coming to a solution. Emotional Realness types benefit from having teammates disclose their honest feelings (in a manner appropriate to the situation), while also steering the conversation to finding a resolution.

Each Harmonic Group, at its highest level of expression, brings gifts to conflict resolution. The highest mode of conflict resolution involves using all three styles: drawing on the strengths of your own style while integrating the gifts of the other two. As we learn to use conflict resolution strategies that don’t come as naturally to us, we bring smoother sailing to life’s challenges. How will you bring all three styles into your office and home this week?


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Finding Wisdom in Your Enneagram Type

Inspiration Village at Wisdom 2.0

Co-written with Kacie Berghoef

This past weekend, Kacie volunteered at the Wisdom 2.0 Conference in San Francisco. In an era where mindfulness practices are increasingly utilized in the business and tech world, Wisdom 2.0 provides a platform for like-minded people to connect and strategize around bringing empowered conscientiousness into the workplace. This weekend offered an opportunity to share insights and witness the wisdom we all have to contribute.

We see the Enneagram as a powerful tool to bring greater wisdom into the world – whether it’s in businesses, communities, or ourselves. What the Enneagram shows us is that there are many types of understanding and insight one can have – nine, to be specific! Our own wisdom helps us take action in ways that strengthen our communities, make our workplaces more productive, and deepen our bonds with others. We have the greatest access to the wisdom our type brings to the world, but as multifaceted human beings, we can access the brilliance of all nine types.

Here are a few kinds of wisdom that each Enneagram type has to offer:

Type One brings wisdom through integrity. Healthy Ones are fair and bring justice to the world around them. They become examples of walking your talk. They teach all of us to live honest lives.

Type Two brings wisdom through compassion. Healthy Twos are caring and bring unconditional love for self and others. They become examples of lovingly meeting others’ needs. They teach us how to care for ourselves.

Type Three brings wisdom through authenticity. Healthy Threes are accomplished and bring value to the world around them. They become examples of being your best self. They teach us how to take pride in who we are.

Type Four brings wisdom through self-awareness. Healthy Fours are sensitive and bring creativity to the world. They become examples of expressing your personal truth. They teach us how to cultivate our own voice.

Type Five brings wisdom through understanding. Healthy Fives are non-judgmental and full of open-minded curiosity. They become examples of finding innovative answers. They teach us how to be still in a busy world.

Type Six brings wisdom through guidance. Healthy Sixes are grounded and oriented to a sense of purpose. They become examples of knowing just how to provide support. They teach us how to be our own best advocates.

Type Seven brings wisdom through freedom. Healthy Sevens see limitless options and engage fully in life. They become examples of bringing joy to all facets of life. They teach us how to see the best in everything.

Type Eight brings wisdom through confidence. Healthy Eights are protective and empower others around them. They become examples of living fully without apology. They teach us how to find our internal strength.

Type Nine brings wisdom through acceptance. Healthy Nines are receptive and fully self-possessed. They become examples of living harmoniously. They teach us how to live in a way that is connected to the world around us.

What kind of wisdom do you bring? What’s one action you can take this week to use this wisdom to improve the world around you?


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Getting Your Needs Met in Relationships

tangoCo-written with Kacie Berghoef

We all know wonderful relationships where opposites attract. For example, one person might tend to the home and hearth, while the other cultivates the couple’s circle of friends. When both people appreciate each other’s contributions, their connection thrives! The whole becomes more than the sum of its parts. But sometimes it’s difficult for people to understand their partner’s priorities. When that happens, it helps to take a look at both people’s needs.

Learning the Enneagram Instincts teaches us the unconscious drives behind our relationship behavior. Instincts are biological and work to ensure our survival, individually and as a species. The Enneagram describes three that we share with much of the animal kingdom: the Self-Preservation, Sexual, and Social Instincts. These drives shape our behavior in both subtle and obvious ways. We all use all three of these Instincts, but one of them, our dominant Instinct, shapes our focus in life and relationships. It’s helpful to learn which Instinct is dominant for both ourselves and our partners.

The Self-Preservation Instinct is focused on survival, physical well-being, and maintaining a foundation in the world. This can show up as a focus on health, work and practical know-how, or domesticity. People with a dominant Self-Preservation Instinct value conserving energy, so tend to be more low-key in their activities. If your partner has a dominant Self-Preservation Instinct, they’re looking for someone to come home to and relax with–a source of solace. They appreciate having a partner they can build and savor a life with.

The Sexual Instinct is focused on stimulation, exploration, and having a person or passion to focus on intensely. People with a dominant Sexual Instinct are natural risk-takers, seeking to display, attract, and have their energy met. They’re compelled to “burn fuel” for the sake of creating something or reaching that next frontier. If your partner has a dominant Sexual Instinct, they’re looking for a relationship that provides an energetic connection. They appreciate having a partner who maintains excitement and novelty.

The Social Instinct is focused on cooperation, contribution, and maintaining awareness of the people around us. People with a dominant Social Instinct value bonding and shared play. They are adaptable and attentive to interdependence, but deliberate about which communities to participate in. If your partner has a dominant Social Instinct, they’re looking for a relationship built on reciprocity, shared interests, and mutual support. They appreciate having a partner who’s a teammate as well as a playmate.

In all relationships, it takes consideration and good communication to meet each others’ needs. When each person has a different dominant Instinct, conscious effort is important to understand what the other person values. What qualities do you each bring to the table, and how can you work together to ensure you both get your needs met? When both people share the same dominant Instinct, it’s important to understand how your views of that Instinct’s priorities are similar or different. What strengths do you share, and how can you work together to bring the other two Instincts into your relationship? Putting in this effort leads to rich relationships, with each partner bringing different, vital contributions.


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Managing Holiday Stress

2014-11-18 22.12.33Co-written with Kacie Berghoef

The late calendar year hums with holiday magic. Families gather to feast. Gifts are exchanged, and lights festoon the windows. The holidays bring great joy to the world! They allow us to take time off work, celebrate with friends and colleagues at special events, and spend quality time with our loved ones.

This busy time of year also brings special challenges. Many of us find ourselves in a flurry of parties, seeing distant relatives, and travel. Our routines get disrupted, and we spend more money looking for the perfect gifts for everyone. Old conflicts with family can resurface. Some of us end up feeling lonely because we feel we don’t have enough events to attend or people to spend the holidays with.

Self-care is of particular importance during the holiday season, and what we need varies based on our Enneagram type. We’ve put together a list of tips for managing stressors and getting the most out of the holiday season, based on your social and communication style. You can learn more about the three communication styles and identify yours by reading our blog post Crafting Successful Communication.

Soloists (Enneagram Types 4, 5, and 9) – As a Soloist, you offer a spirit of creativity and reflection during the holidays. You’re also at risk for being overwhelmed by the additional socialization, travel, and activities. Staying grounded and aware of your body is particularly important. Make sure to take the time to recharge your batteries if your holiday season is busy. Step outside and take a breather during holiday events, and look for individual roles you can take in the events, such as preparing the food or playing the holiday music. If your social circle is smaller and your holidays tend to be solitary, get out of your comfort zone and attend an event! Local nonprofits are always looking for volunteers on holidays, and Meetup.com groups often have holiday celebrations.

Initiators (Enneagram Types 3, 7, and 8) – If you’re an Initiator, you bring natural energy and enthusiasm to this festive season. You likely have a busy schedule all the time, and the holidays get even busier! You may find yourself running from place to place on little sleep. It may be necessary for you to prioritize events and skip some to maintain your self-care practices. Stay present in your heart center at the gatherings you go to by letting yourself be emotionally affected by the people around you. Take the extra effort to appreciate friends and loved ones through verbal acknowledgement, a thoughtful card, or a carefully chosen gift. This is also a great time to prioritize helping the less fortunate, through your time or financially.

Cooperators (Enneagram Types 1, 2, and 6) – As a Cooperator style, your generosity and commitment shine during the holidays. You may feel a strong sense of duty to your family, charity, or religion, and it can be easy for you to get overcommitted trying to support everyone in your life. Take some time to individually reflect on your own values, and make sure to take on only those responsibilities that align with them. Saying “No” to that extra commitment is important sometimes; take care of yourself by scheduling in some time to rest. And have fun at the events you do attend! Supporting others during the holidays can be richly meaningful, but letting your hair down and enjoying yourself is important too.

No matter what type you are, maintaining your daily practice throughout the holidays will help you stay mindful and centered. We wish all of you a wonderful holiday season this year!


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Crafting Successful Communication

ducks try againCo-written with Kacie Berghoef

The Enneagram has many applications, and communication is one of its more universal ones. Communication is all around us. We chat and plan with our colleagues, engage with our loved ones, catch up with our friends. We e-mail, text, and talk on the phone. We receive messages from our environment every day, from advertisements to street signs. Given how steeped we are in communication as a species, why is it still so difficult to communicate successfully?

The answer is that communication is complex. It involves a sender, whose message is shaped by their own experience and style, and a recipient, who brings interpretive filters that may or may not match the sender’s. Sometimes there are multiple senders, recipients, or messages. Communication norms vary from culture to culture–Richard D. Lewis’s summaries of business communication in different countries offer useful insight into these variations. Just as importantly, communication style is deeply influenced by personality.

The Enneagram describes three communication styles present in most groups. All bring distinctive strengths and challenges. By understanding your own communication style and the styles of people around you, you can engage more effectively on others’ terms and minimize misunderstanding.

Soloists (types Four, Five, and Nine) have a rich internal dialogue. They work best on their own and respond to stress by moving away from engagement into their inner sanctum. Soloists are quieter and may take longer to speak and engage than the other communication styles, but they think through their ideas carefully and bring long-term, strategic thinking to the table, along with innovative ideas. Soloists benefit from being offered time to think before responding, and being asked questions that draw out their ideas.

Initiators (types Three, Seven, and Eight) are action-oriented and driven by challenge. Interested in being in the center of things, they are quick to speak up and engage. Under stress, they default to taking up space and pushing for action. They tend to be direct and energetic in their communication, and may present ideas as a way of brainstorming–“thinking aloud.” They benefit from debate and forthrightness.

Cooperators (types One, Two, and Six) want to work for a common purpose. Natural collaborators, they are more willing than the other styles to play a supportive role and draw out others’ participation, rather than coming up with ideas or starting things. When stressed, their superego becomes vocal both internally and externally, demanding adherence to a personal set of principles and responsibilities. Cooperators benefit from acknowledgment and appreciation.

Communication styles are an especially practical part of our teaching that can easily be applied to interpersonal situations. For those who have difficulty reading others, learning communication styles offers a way to understand different people’s mindsets and tailor communication accordingly. We’ve seen Enneagram knowledge help people on the autism spectrum learn how to interact better with others–one success story here–and we’re honored to be presenting on communication styles to the autism spectrum community at the AASCEND conference. We’re also excited to offer a communication styles workshop through General Assembly San Francisco, where we’ll bring the styles to life through a business simulation.


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How the Enneagram Can Empower You

Co-written with Kacie Berghoef

The Enneagram is an amazing tool for understanding ourselves and our common humanity. Don Riso and Russ Hudson write: “One of the great strengths of the Enneagram is that it steps aside from all doctrinal differences…. With the help of the Enneagram, we will discover that Sixes are like all other Sixes–and that they share the same values as others of their type. Ones who are black are much more like Ones who are white than they could have imagined, and so forth. A new level of community and compassion emerges that obliterates old ignorance and fear.” (Wisdom of the Enneagram, p. 10)

P1010765The Enneagram is accessible and empowering to anyone who wants to use it–no matter their age, race, gender, socioeconomic background, sexual orientation, or life circumstances. It maps out our internal dynamics with incredible precision, pointing to the strengths we possess in spades as well as ways we can grow. Let’s look at the profound forms of power each type embodies–sources of inner strength we can all tap into.

Type One represents the power of conviction. When we see a wrong in the world, it’s the part of us with the strength to take a stand and work for positive change.

Type Two represents the power of altruism. This part of us hones in on what others and ourselves need and offers it generously.

Type Three represents the power of excellence. It’s the part of us that works to cultivate our gifts and live a life of great value and integrity.

Type Four represents the power of self-renewal. It’s the part of us that listens to and expresses our own voice, honoring our personal truth.

Type Five represents the power of clarity. It’s the part of us driven to discover new truths, that refuses to back down in the face of uncertainty.

Type Six represents the power of support. It’s the part of us that stands with others as an equal, committed to seeing things through.

Type Seven represents the power of hope. When things get difficult, this facet of us can find the joy and wonder that still exist in the world.

Type Eight represents the power of strength. It’s the part of us that won’t back down, initiating action and championing justice.

Type Nine represents the power of harmony. It’s the part of us that sees an underlying unity and brings peace to the world around us.

We’re looking forward to sharing more on self-empowerment using the Enneagram with two wonderful groups of women at the San Carlos Wise Women’s Retreat and the WOW Talks Walnut Creek. We’d love to hear your thoughts on these 9 types of power as well. Which of them come most easily to you? Which could you use more of in your life?


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5 Benefits of Learning from a Certified (or Accredited) Enneagram Teacher

KONICA MINOLTA DIGITAL CAMERACo-written with Kacie Berghoef

We always believed certification to be important in the Enneagram profession, which is why we actively pursued it from the time we decided to teach. After years of hard work, we recently became Riso-Hudson Certified Enneagram Teachers, and would recommend certification or accreditation to aspiring Enneagram professionals. While not all good Enneagram teachers are certified, we’ve found learning from a certified or accredited Enneagram teacher to be a good bet. Here are 5 reasons why:

1. Certified teachers have studied the Enneagram in depth. Certifying involves taking a series of trainings that convey the material both intellectually and experientially.

2. Certified teachers have proven their abilities. In addition to coursework, most Enneagram certification programs require additional work, such as essays, typing interviews, panels, and teaching demos. We found completing our certification essays to be as educational as taking the trainings, offering us greater insight into the Enneagram and inspiring our own research.

3. It’s easy to learn in detail about a certified teacher’s background. If they are certified by a particular school or program, you can easily learn the specifics of their certification process. This assists in understanding the teacher’s approach and seeing if it’s a good fit for you.

4. Certified and accredited teachers bring credibility to the Enneagram field. There is no title protection for Enneagram teachers, and anybody can offer their services as an Enneagram teacher, coach, or consultant. Learning from a certified teacher helps create and maintain standards in the profession.

5. There’s an amazing array of high-quality certified Enneagram teachers and programs. We chose to do our training at The Enneagram Institute, but there are many wonderful schools. From corporate training to somatic focusing, there’s an application–and a certified/accredited teacher–for everyone!